Back to Work, Missing Flip-Flips and more milestones

I haven't written in a while. Probably for a few reasons. I've been pretty busy, from that, I'm pretty exhausted and I guess I figure if I don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. If I don't share with you that my foot still feels frozen ... then maybe it doesn't. If I don't blog about how I am feeling a smidge hopeless lately ... then I might just be full of hope. And if I don't say out loud how much it sucks to have to try so hard to walk properly ... then I'd be really walking tall. If I don't validate these feelings then maybe I can keep myself from falling to pieces thinking about it.

Well, first for the positives... I've graduated from one week of half-days back at work to my first week of full days ... with the exception of leaving early for Physical Therapy 3 days this week. It has taken some getting used to but I did miss being in a normal work and kids at school routine. So it's nice to get back into the swing of things.
I have to say, getting behind the wheel again, taking my independence back has been pretty great. I've blasted the radio and sang as loud as possible ... just to remind me that I'm on my own. Don't get me wrong, I loved having the mom rotation here helping me but I needed to start doing for myself.
With the help of therapy I continue to get stronger, I've built up to 9 minutes on the elliptical ... which is huge, trust me... and about 20 minutes on the treadmill, that's 5-7 minutes backward, 4-5 minutes on each side and about 10 minutes forward. Then, leg presses- both legs, one leg and then ... just part of my foot ... yowza! I cannot tell you how much stronger I've gotten. And there are many more strengthening exercises. It feels awesome for a while and then I run into something that still remains impossible and I feel the frustration start to set in. That's when I have to remind myself, as my friend Stef does for me, how far I've come!!!

OK... so I've had a few little meltdowns ... one that only my friend Stefani had to see and the others stay inside my head for the most part. These meltdowns usually spring from something mundane ... like flip-flops. Thanks to Joel's Texas family, I have 3 new beautiful pair of Yellow Box flip-flops ... mind you, I've never been one to seek out cute summer shoes like this, they were a gift and screamed of summer ... and I adore them!!! But Capt. Jack does not work well in these structure free shoes. One look at my friends cute tootsies in her flip-flops brought me to tears ... Am I ever going to walk without a monster limp? Am I going to wear my summer sandals, peep-toe pumps and blingy flippies??

I know ... I've got to give it time. Six weeks ago, my surgeon couldn't guarantee that I would regain ANY feeling. The nerve is still healing. I'm just feeling a bit more anxious I think because I'm realizing it's tricky to keep up with my students and the boys. I also had to knock my anti-inflammatory back to half the dose to keep from damaging my liver ... so the pain has increased a bit ... a lot bit. So pain I guess will make ya cranky?

Anywhoozies ... I'm about done with this pity party and I thank you for listening... er ... reading. :-)

Driving, Working and Capt. Jack is Still a Lazy Pirate

One month ago today, I had an entirely numb leg, was in an indescribable amount of pain that made me wish I was back in Omaha delivering twins with a pinched nerve and an epidural that only half worked and I'd been told by a radiologist after looking at my MRI that I needed to find a surgeon ... quick.

I now have feeling in most of my leg, still numb toes, though. And I am in little to no pain. I cannot believe how much better I am feeling! And in therapy I have gone from only being able to handle 2 to 3 minutes on the elliptical to making it 5 minutes and still able to breathe!! Capt. Jack still acts out on a regular basis and refused to do some of his exercises. But I do get him working ... see??



We are doing lots of leg presses to strengthen the hamstring and then I do a foot press using just from the ball of my foot up. Uber hard.

On the super bright side, I have improved A LOT since I started therapy. On the dark side, I still have a ways to go. My hamstring is still crazy weak and it's making me walk a bit funny as it seems to effect my hip and my foot.

As for the Naughty Nerve, it is behaving itself much better now that I am taking a regular double dose of my anti-inflammatory. No more screaming pain in the middle of the night. But the day of and after therapy everything is a bit ticked off and sore. And the one thing that has yet to go away is that the nerve is sensitive to the touch. I can trace the thing from my butt to my foot ... where I cease to feel much of anything.

Best news!!! No more cane!!! I have ditched it almost entirely. I still keep it handy for the occasional long walk that requires a little assistance. But mostly, we've repurposed it, Joel has a new sword.


All in all, I'm doing pretty well and have even driven the van a bit!!! I've gone back to work a tiny bit and will head back for half days and work from home the rest of the day starting on Tuesday :-)
See check me out ... and yes I'm supposed to be backwards, trying to trick that silly nerve.

Here I am, ready to see the Dr. and ready to work further toward normal. But I have not done it alone and I could not have done it without an unbelievable network of friends and family. I've had two weeks with my mom and two weeks with Joel's mom. Sally (Lolly) leaves tomorrow and I'm on my own. The boyz are stuck with me ... just gimpy ole' me :-)

Oh... and I've lost 5 pounds! Not much, but I'm building muscle at the same time. And every little bit counts. My new quest has begun and I promise to keep it up. A healthier me so I can get back to playing with my boys and not letting this happen again! Talk to you soon. :-)

This time, with feeling! And an ode to tippy toes.

Well, I still have a case of the frozen toes. BUT!!! I really believe that I have more feeling than before and I KNOW I am stronger than just a week ago. They may be small mini milestones but they are milestones nonetheless. Capt. Jack is beginning to take direction a little better but is still lazy a great deal of the time.

There are many things that I still struggle to accomplish like standing on my tippy toes. I realize it's unlikely that this is the technical or medical term for the toe area to which I'm referring. However, I cannot push up onto those toes on that foot. Darn pirate. And I must say I will never again take for granted the ability to stand on my tippy toes. Reaching up to get a coffee mug from the top shelf, stretching up to grab a Martha or a Rachael from atop the fridge. These are things I cannot do.

I am still walking with a cane when I'm out and about mostly because walking takes a huge amount of effort and it helps to be able to let the cane bear the weight from time to time. Additionally, I am still not as sure on my feet. Without that feeling, I tend to roll over on my foot or accidentally drag my toes and get tripped up if I'm not careful. So the cane is Capt. Jack's sidekick for the time being when we happen to venture out.

So while I work to build up my hamstring muscle and encourage my nerve to behave properly and start talking to that muscle, walk a few extra steps for me, stretch for that chocolate bar way up on the top shelf and make sure you use those tippy toes.

Oooohhh... and run!!! If you can run, RUN! I don't run often and doesn't really feel great when I do but I wish I could do that now.

Here it stands, when I am able to push up on my tippy toes, I will be well. So, pray for tippy toe function, folks and in the meantime, dance a little more for me.

BTW ... I kinda lied about the ode. I thought about it but then lost the creative bug :-)

From Naughty Nerve to Nasty Nerve

Okay, I fell off the blog for a bit. Mostly because I wasn't feeling very positive and really only wanted to write a bunch of swear words, thought that might not be appropriate or very interesting for my throngs of readers ;-) But I just had to kick my pity party to the curb and deal with the negative as I always have, by slapping a smile on it! :-) And by just reminding myself that this could be a lot worse. So here's what's been going on in the world of Capt. Jack and the Naughty Nerve.

My new wake up call comes in the form of lightning strikes of pain shooting up and down my leg starting at about 3am. Did you ever get growing pains as a kid? I used to get them, a lot. Kinda weird since I'm not so tall... Anywho... That is sort of what this pain feels like but it doesn't really go away! Lortab, flexeril, heat, cold, massage, yelling ... does NOTHING! Finally decided to call the neurosurgeon and see if this excruciating pain is normal. Yup. Perfectly normal, turns out it's the nerve healing. The nurse tells me, "Looking at your surgical report, your nerve was very, very, very smushed..." Always good to know :-) So, she tells me the nerve typically begins to reawaken 6-9 days after surgery and will take AT LEAST 6 weeks to heal! Yowza!!! 6 weeks of this sounds ... fun! Sarcasm is therapy folks. But she did tell me to go ahead and double up my anti inflammatory dose, BTW if you are in need of a good anti inflammatory, I wholeheartedly suggest Mobic, it actually works and with no side effects. My friend Heather suggested it and I swear by it now. I have uber amounts of inflammation so Mobic is my friend. This is why naughty nerve is now nasty nerve.

So, how is Capt. Jack you ask? Well, I must say he is why I've been so frustrated. He's really not responding well so far. We've even used E Stim - Electrical Stimulation! Do you know that lazy pirate refused to come out of his rum induced stupor! Therapy has become far more intense and my home exercises are more advanced too. Though the pain has kept me from doing them as much at home but I'm getting past it now. As we progress in therapy, I've found more and more areas that have been compromised by that dead nerve. But I WILL BEAT THIS!!! I WILL GET STRONGER!!! I WILL BE A BETTER PATIENT!!! well I can't make any promises on that last one :-)

Here we sit, in a hotel room because Murphy's Law continues to make our lives interesting. Our air-conditioner has konked out. Thanks to my mom (Nini) the boys are off enjoying an adventure in Little Rock, they LOVE the science museum there. So it's just me, that guy I married and Cosmo. We've discovered he's quite the watchdog, he barks every time he hears people pass the door. We have yet to hear back from the AC people. AND my cell phone is acting nutty!!!!

I guess that about sums up the last few days. Thanks for listening! :-)

Name the Nerve...

So ... I might have overdone it a bit yesterday. At least that's what my naughty nerve thinks. I woke up to a pain like I haven't felt since before surgery in the area near/around my hamstring. That's where the angry nerve lives. It wasn't the same type of sensation as when it was pinched but it's similar and YOWZA it hurts! Once up and moving, that discomfort was followed by an aching all the way down the leg into the foot. So, I get it! I get why I'm supposed to rest and let it heal. I can be a little impatient (shocker, I know) sometimes and when I feel better I do too much and then pay for it later. I learned my lesson and will simmer down...

In case you were curious...

I have to share this because I finally came up with a few different ways to describe what Capt. Jack feels like.

Have you ever had your foot wrapped in an Ace bandage? Or have you had your toes/fingers wrapped together to let a sprain heal? That's what this feels like! It's such an odd sensation. Sometimes I actually think to myself that I need to take the bandage off, it's too tight! There's also a feeling that half of my foot got a good shot of numbing juice from the dentist. As if the dentist and Capt. Jack went out for a few pints and then the drunk dentist missed the mark when aiming for my mouth.
Okay, one more weird comparison ... as I attempt to wiggle my toes it feels like each toe is individually wrapped in Scotch tape ... or covered in dried super glue ... and they feel plastic-ish when they rub together. I said it was weird.


Alright, enough of that. I realized that it's a bit unfair that my foot has a name but that nerve that is just as bothersome remains nameless. Here's where you come in. What shall my naughty nerve be called from here on out?


Time to shower and dress for therapy. Catch ya later :-)

Capt. Jack's Day Out

While I could have had communion brought to me at home, I really wanted to get out of the house for something other than therapy. So off to church we went. Not so bad... mind you, I medicated properly prior to heading out. What I did discover was that even though I wasn't in constant pain, walking is a pain in the butt! Both literally and figuratively. My right leg is so weak!!! I just cannot believe how weak it is. And I'm so weak on the right, my left is sore from trying to pull the weight of Capt. Jack and his merry crew.
I prayed not for a miracle healing but for the strength, patience and perseverance to do this on my own because this has to be my journey. But as I sat in the pew and reflected on the situation, I realized for the first time how truly long this could take.
We headed home for a bit to relax and regroup.
Our next stop, lunch and then the Memphis College of Art to see the boys summer camp artwork on display. I had to see this! Wouldn't have missed it for anything. And I'm so glad I made it. It was SO COOL! to see our little men beam with pride while showing us Max's wool bead necklace, Porter's paper mache penguin and their very detailed treasure maps.
For a short time, I forgot about my bum leg and just basked in their sweet artistic glow.
All in all a great day but I came home sore and exhausted ... with a definite sense of how long a process this may be.
Another day begins tomorrow...

Frozen Foot, Sleep Talk & Yummy Incentives

Imagine if you will ... it's winter. My Midwest friends have this one covered. It's a really cold Wisconsin/Nebraska winter. Lots of snow. Below zero temps, you know the kind of cold that freezes your saliva while you talk? Okay, now imagine standing out in the snow ... but you forgot to double sock and boot up just on one foot. Your toes freeze and they never really seem to thaw out. That's what this freaky foot feels like. Cold, all the time ... but I can't really feel the heat when I try to warm it up! Uber wierd! Silly appendage.

I woke up this morning certain I'd wiggle my toes and walk without a limp or a cane ... nope ... not yet. But this dreamy milestone is obviously written all over my conscious and subconscious since I had a sleepy conversation with Joel about how I couldn't "open up my passages" apparently the passage from my nerve to my foot wouldn't open up. Silly passages.

After briefly discussing the closed passages, we had a visit from the other pirates in the house. They joined us as we watched Unique Food on the new Cooking channel ... which I love ... and we all drooled in unison as we were presented with a meatopia in NYC, an unbelievably fantastical churrascaria simply dripping in the finest of meats and juices of meat. I then came to the conclusion that we must dine on the meat!

We will treat ourselves to Texas De Brazil ...
This will happen when the passages reopen ... when to toes remember how to wiggle ... when it no longer feels as if I've been standing barefoot in the snow ... for at least a day ... and when these mushy muscles regain strength ... when I can kick the cane and walk without a limp.
See, when I was in middle and high school and I did not rock the report cards, my mom used awesome dinners as an incentive for better grades. We lived in Houston and had fantastic restaurants at our disposal so for me, this was the perfect motivation. And that is what we shall do, when I regain strength and feeling, which will happen ... Texas De Brazil, here we come! The boys cannot wait.

Okay, on the topic of incentives... about a year ago is when I first vowed to get fit and healthy I set another incentive for myself. I decided that if I got myself to the gym or at least working out 3 times a week for a month, I'd reward myself with a pedicure.






Ah yes ... that looks nice ... but it has yet to happen. So, the deal is back on. I have exercises that must be done twice a day. AND I HAVE TO DO THEM!!! One month .. twice a day, PT 3 times per week ... then, it's pretty foot time. The other one needs a little attention too ya know ;-)

Let's just hope they don't end up looking like this...

Meet Capt. Jack

You know the old saying, "If I don't laugh, I'll cry?" well, I think it's an old saying... anywhozees... to help keep my sense of humor about this whole ordeal, I've named my bad foot, Capt. Jack. As in Captain Jack Sparrow that nutty pirate. I've come to this name because, like Capt. Jack, my naughty nub is lazy, crazy and drunk. See the similarities?

And to help keep his sense of humor about this nonsense, Joel decorated Jack. Good, huh?

Capt. Jack and I went to physical therapy today and while I was working hard, he was still unwilling to move. But I'm gonna show him who's boss. And I'm working at eating right, while I normally would fall into a snack myself into oblivion sort of routine, I have eaten smaller meals and have been eating smarter snacks. Well on the road to a better body. Stay tuned!

First Steps and A New Name

My first Physical Therapy trip taught me that this is not going to be an easy road. But I am confident that I can regain my strength. I could not believe how weak my muscles became after only 3 days of that nerve being pinched. I realized the extent of the injury when I laid on my tummy and truly could NOT lift m right leg. If felt as if a giant brick had been strapped to my leg and mocked me endlessly with each attempt at lifting.

So to help motivate this dead droopy foot, I've named it. My limp foot shall heretofore be known as Capt. Jack. Yes, the name is the same as that of the spirited pirate in Pirates of the Caribbean. I came to this conclusion after realizing the similarities, lazy, a bit crazy, pretty much drunk ... the description totally fits! Maybe soon, we can change his name to something more fit and strong.

And here begins the quest. I say this before God and friends so that I can be held accountable for my actions by someone other than myself. I am on a quest to get fit, I'm attempting to eat better and do my therapy as directed.

See you back here soon...

The long and winding road...

Helllo!
Here I am starting a new blog. I have another one but I have not been keeping up with it at all. Anywho... you may or may not know what this blog is all about so here goes...

Ever since my diagnosis of degenerative disc disease when I was 19 or 20, and the subsequent pinched nerves, torn and herniated discs, steroid injections and pain pills ... I've had a nightmare that one day, a new nerve would be pinched and I'd wake up unable to feel my legs. My nightmare came true. Only it happened in the blink of an eye. One minute I'm getting out of the car, feeling more back pain than normal and the next I'm standing in the kitchen telling myself it's not true, my leg isn't going numb. I just need a good stretch, I think. In a matter of moments, I feel like I've been sitting on my leg for an hour and it's fallen asleep. Soon, the pain is unbearable and the numbness disturbing. I know in my mind what this is. It's a bad one. And though I try to talk myself out of it, I know that without aid, I'd be facing a future of permanent nerve damage. Fast forward a few hours, a good friend's husband (thanks Steve and Heather) takes me to the ER while Joel sits at home freaking out, wondering what might happen. Inside, I know that this has always been his fear, too. We've talked about it so many times, fearful of immobility, a need for a wheelchair or walker. We sit for HOURS waiting to see a Dr. in the ER. Finally, the diagnosis, sciatica. I'm given a prescription for a steroid dose pack and a steroid shot in the butt along with a suggestion that I might need to see my neurosurgeon and get a new MRI if this doesn't clear up. Ya Think???? Mind you, I didn't really think this was right, my gut knew this was more than sciatica. The next day, when there's no relief, I truly cannot make my foot do anything and I cannot take the pain anymore, I keep calling doctors, pushing for a sooner MRI. I get one, thanks to my next chariot driver, Stefani :-) but must wait 3+ hours to squeeze into that tube. And then wait some more for my doctor to see it, diagnose a severely ruptured disc and completely pinched nerve and recommend I head straight to the ER to avoid permanent nerve damage. 3 hours later, we discover I'm in the wrong hospital, "We don't do neurosurgery here!" say's the evil ER doctor. As if I just walked in off the street and said "hey, I thought I'd stop by, get a little surgery..." Anywho, we get it all figured out, take a ride in an ambulance and meet with the first half of the neurosurgery team who after looking at my dead foot and having me do strength tests says they may do surgery that day or the next. Shortly thereafter, he comes back after conferring with the surgeon and says, "...we need to get in there right away to avoid more damage to the nerve. It's possible that the damage is already too far gone. We are prepping the OR." That's when the nightmare really sets in. That's when I see my kids running around and me sitting on the sidelines watching. That's when I fall to pieces thinking of how much damage was done in just a few days.
Throughout this entire ordeal, I kick myself for not doing what I'd vowed to do after my last MRI that showed bulging discs and pinching of nerves. I vowed to get in shape, to build up my core muscles to help better support my spine. I started... I even got a gym membership ... but I never used it. I may not have been able to avoid this but I may have been able to if I had only taken better care of my body, better care of my spine.
Now, as I sit in this hospital bed waiting to go home, swearing at my still numb foot, wanting to cry every time I stand for more than a moment as the pain rips at my leg, frustrated at the thought that it may be a month before I am back to work full time, I VOW to do better this time. I WILL regain the feeling in this foot. I WILL lose weight and I WILL build this muscle.

I know this could be so much worse. So I will not have a little pity party for myself. I am so very fortunate to have all that I have and the amazing support system that is my foundation. I know that my will would be far weaker if I didn't have all of this positive reinforcement building me up.

Thanks for listening ... had to get it all out.